I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
NoShamevember. You game?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
