I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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