i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Randomize
