WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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