eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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