How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
