Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
