Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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