I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
