I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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