Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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