My brain says no but my pants say off.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
