literally had 100 drinks last night.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
