During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
But theres a keg here and me gusta
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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