his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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