Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
