dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
