Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
