A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
