i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
His hands were made for my vagina.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
