dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize