i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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