i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
