I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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