i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
