Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
