Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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