tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
