I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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