I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
All the doctor said was why
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
