people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
