Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
