when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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