hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
