I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
