There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize