I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
