I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
