my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
