I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
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