did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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