and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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