Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
