bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
did you just send me my own nude
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
