i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
