It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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