Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
