I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
