you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
