My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
