Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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