My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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