Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
