remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
