I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Still dying that you shit outside
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
