what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
