Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
This baby is an asshole
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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