why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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