She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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