I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
